The Bachmann-Hinchey Scale

As an early Christmas gift, I present for your use in Internet flame wars and grudge matches, a new tool for evaluating the sheer craziness of comments made either by yourself or your opponents. Named the "Bachmann-Hinchey Hyperbole Scale," it will allow you to gage the relative sanity or sheer craziness of statements and charges served up on the web. It is primarily intended for use in political debate, as the name should imply, but it may also be used in arguments about pop culture, Hollywood starlets, sports, or most any other thing you'd care to vent about.

This fifteen point scale is divided into three sections, color coded for your convenience.

In the Green Band, meriting a score of zero through five, the debate remains "Calm."

A "Calm" debate will generally include measured, reasoned arguments, citations of established facts and links to respected reference sources. The opponents will treat each other's debate points respectfully, while perhaps not agreeing, and allow for the possibility that the other person may be correct, at least in some areas.





In the Orange band, the argument moves to "Heated" status.


Heated debates, with a score of 6 to 10, are generally characterized by insults - either thinly veiled or overt - resulting in ad hominem attacks, unlinked references to rumors or urban legends, and slippery slope arguments which take hypothetical examples to illogical, ridiculous extremes. There may still be valid facts and arguments included, but they are frequently overshadowed by angst and anger.


Finally, in the Red band, earning scores of 11 to 15, we finally move into "Bat Shit Crazy" territory.

To earn scores in this range, the author must really leave the realm of common sense behind. These arguments will include (as the name of the scale implies) claims such as New York Congressman Maurice Hinchey stating that President Bush intentionally allowed Osama bin Laden to escape in Afghanistan or Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann calling for Congressional investigations into the loyalty and patriotism of the rest of the members of Congress. References and citations in such arguments never include any links to verifiable sources and frequently involve assertions which are physically impossible. Bonus points are awarded in this category for comparisons to the Holocaust, slavery in early America, pedophilia or beastiality.

I hope this helps. Now, go forth and argue with all of the clueless twits around this wonderful series of tubes we call the Internets and give them a piece of your mind!

Every Day is Children's Day

My Dilbert calendar says that today is Human Rights Day. Seriously? Shouldn't that NOT be one day of the year?

Speaking of Monsters

I'm 41 years old, now. I cannot imagine what I've been doing all that time.

Raaaaar! In which Jazz discovers he's a monster!

I just thought you should know. I've suspected it for a long time, but either the evidence wasn't strong enough or I just didn't want to face up to reality.

Oh, the clues were there if I'd really wanted to know... waking up in the middle of the night, standing in my kitchen with mud on my feet which clearly didn't come from my yard. Strange, rust colored stains under my fingernails with no memory of how they got there. Dogs sniffing around strange mounds in my yard which I couldn't bring myself to dig up. (And in my own defense, dogs bury things on their own all the time. I can't be bothered to dig up every random pile of dirt that turns up.)

Fortunately it must be very easy to cover your tracks as a monster, since I seem to do it entirely with my subconscious and no effort from my waking mind. And obviously there are lots of monsters out there... I mean, what are the odds that any of us are the ONLY one of ANYTHING in a world of roughly seven billion people? But the lack of modern day mobs running screaming through the streets with pitchforks and torches shows that we're doing a good job of remaining undetected.

As you may have guessed, one becomes rather curious about exactly what kind of monster they are under such circumstances. I mean, am I out there dragging young maidens away to dank, murky tunnels and eating them? Do I kill livestock and smear their entrails across the countryside? To find out, I set up my video camera outside my bedroom door on a tripod with a cheap motion detector from Radio Shack to trigger it. This led to my discovery of two things:

1. My cats run around a LOT in the middle of the night.
2. I'm the kind of monster that shuts off cameras and puts them back in the camera bag before heading out. Frustrating, I know.

So anyway, it's all still pretty much of a mystery. But if you happen to live anywhere in the New York region and are aware of a string of missing maidens or slaughtered cattle, try to get a picture and e-mail it to me so I can clear this up.

I'll try not to attack you if you do. Or, failing that, it will be a quick and merciful slaying.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Preventative Care is Never Stupid

In case you were wondering how I felt about the new "guidelines" for breast cancer screening, I'll tell you right up front: I think that they suck, and that they're designed to save the insurance companies money, and of course, right now I'm pissed off at insurance companies as a whole. I hate that they even exist. As an impressively fierce friend of mine says, "Everyone needs health care; no one needs health insurance."

I found an article with quotes that echo my sentiments on the latest news at "wickedlocal.com".

“I just think that’s irresponsible,” said Janet Cheney, 58, of East Bridgewater, a breast cancer survivor diagnosed in 2001 at age 50.

“The death toll is too high,” Cheney said. “It’s kind of like saying let’s lower the drinking age and see how many more people we can kill.”

“As a practicing surgeon who takes care of these patients, the surgeons I’ve spoken to, (we) are very upset with this,” said Dr. David Drinkwater, chief of surgery at Signature Healthcare Brockton Hospital and president of Signature Medical Group.

The guidelines offer a “very narrowly focused” statistical view of breast cancer, stating the cancer rate in women between 40 and 50 is not high enough to justify the risks associated with mammograms and biopsies, Drinkwater said.

So there you go. It's true that the majority of women don't have breast cancer, but why in the world would you leave off a check on something like that for 2 years? And if you were - let's say that you're really concerned about radiation, and you don't want to have a mammogram every year, so you want to go the every 2 years route - not doing self-exams to make sure that you're lump-free in the meantime? Did I read that this government task force is recommending against self-exams because they can cause uncessary anxiety?

I call bullshit. Right there.

Not At All Important

And yet, one of the most thrilling new products of the year, for me.

Handerpants.

Handerpants

Are you really naked under those gloves? For Pete's sake, put on some Handerpants! These 95% cotton, 5% spandex, fingerless gloves have the look and feel of men's briefs. Slip them on underneath your gloves for extra warmth and protection from chafing! Wear them on their own as a vaguely inappropriate fashion statement! Hundreds of uses! Fits most adult hands.

My Hopes For the Future

I have one major hope regarding last night's election: that Chris Christie will be a better governor than Christie Whitman was. That's not too much to ask, is it?

I'm not expecting a Tom Kean, here.

November 3rd

For the record: I voted this morning. The candidates that I voted for may not win, but I used my voice.

Have you, fellow New Jerseyan?

Current Events

I watched this weekend's episode of Saturday Night Live. The Rock Obama was a very funny sketch, in which they pointed out that Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize was ridiculous. I felt pretty good about that. Plus, I love Dwayne Johnson; he's awesome.

Give Peace a Chance?

OK, the comments at the Washington Post about Obama winning the peace prize are much harsher than what I would say, but underneath the vitriol, there is at least a point.

I like the President, I do. I think that he's trying very hard to turn around a country that was basically strip-mined by the previous administration. They took all they could as fast as they could without worrying about who else might need that, or if we'd be able to replenish the supply, and the new administration is basically screwed on getting things up and running quickly or efficiently; it just can't happen. Still, I have faith. I see less obvious evil floating around these days than I used to.

Still, I wouldn't have granted Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. When I heard the news on the radio this morning, I was stunned into the realization that there are people in the world who hated the fact that GWB was our President even more than I did. I kind of feel like the award was given to Obama for the virtue of not being GWB.

Well, Hello, There!

Yeah... guess who pretty much forgot that she had a blog. Wow, that's embarrassing.

Why Am I Liberal?

http://rsmccain.blogspot.com/2009/09/on-jews-and-liberals.html (pointed out to me by a friend who reads "Sadly, No!")

For most American Jews, the core of their Jewish identity isn't solidarity with Israel; it's rejection of Christianity. This observation may help to explain the otherwise puzzling political preferences of the Jewish community explored in Norman Podhoretz's book. Jewish voters don't embrace candidates based on their support for the state of Israel as much as they passionately oppose candidates based on their identification with Christianity -- especially the fervent evangelicalism of the dreaded "Christian Right."
-- Michael Medved

The order of the symposiasts has been re-arranged to allow Medved to have the last word for a reason: He's nailed it.

Sad truth - Medved *did* nail it. My dad bases his decisions on whatever's not Christian the way he roots for baseball teams that aren't the Yankees. OK, Medved nailed it with the qualification that by "Jews", he means "My Dad".

Never mind that evangelical Christians are overwhelmingly pro-Israel and philo-Semitic.

Holy smoke. I had to look up philo-semetic. I'd never heard that phrase before in my whole Jewish life.

Obvioulsy, I'm not the intellectual Jew that I thought I was. So if I'm not smart, why am I liberal? Am I liberal because I'm stupid? Oh, wait, am I a liberal any more? Didn't I go "centrist"?

Obviously I didn't get the memo that went out to all Jews everywhere. My bad.

In Which Jazz Gets the Mail

I've always hated the Post Office. Not just because they are part of a an outmoded system which stretches back past the Pony Express to wandering tinsmiths who took missives scratched out with quills from people who never knew if their message would ever reach the intended recipient, up through a time when ARPANET would spell out a death they never accepted. No. And it's not that they don't provide a valuable service. It still amazes me that you can stick a four bit piece of pre-glued paper on an envelope and have someone take it across the country in a few days. It's none of that. It's just the crappy, horrid, world ending things which the postman delivers to you every once in a while, with or without ringing twice.

Obviously not all the news is like this. You certainly enjoy the occasional birthday card from gram gram with a twenty slipped inside. You like it when your next DVD arrives from Netflix. But most of the movies are mediocre at best. And I guarantee you can't recite any of the Americanized Hallmark haiku from any of your grandmother's cards. These are not the ones that lodge in your brain.

What you remember is the day your draft card arrived. More to the point, the letter saying that your number had come up and you were to report for duty. Your mom certainly remembers that letter which began, "We regret to inform you.."

The postman arrived at my place today with a letter. It wasn't from the military or the attorney of some scorned business partner. It was from the AARP and it had my membership card. There's a smack in the kisser for you. The major problem with this is that I immediately thought of my wife. She's married to an old guy.

It's not like I totally robbed the cradle. I was married to her a bit later in life than the old Romeo and Juliet story. But the fact remains that - given the genes in her family - she still has a great likelihood of a full half of her life or more in front of her. Her old man is... well... an old man. I normally don't think of it much. I try my best to be youthful and energetic. I try to service her in the boudoir at a satisfactory level. But that's the point, which this poison pen missive brought home. There are times when I try. Young men don't try. They just do. It doesn't require any thought.

And then, one day, the mail comes. And you're old. I really hate the mail.

In My Inbox Paradox

From my MSNBC Daily Headlines email:

-------------------------------
Health
-------------------------------

Candlelit dinners spark romance - and toxins You may be ingesting more during those romantic, candlelit dinners than a nice cabernet and a lamb chop. Side of benzene, anyone?
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32467170/

Life expectancy reaches all-time high in U.S.
U.S. life expectancy has risen to a new high, now standing at nearly 78 years, the government reported Wednesday.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32477402/

So which is it? Will candles cause my early death, or will I live extra-long? Will having candlelight dinners bring down the national average. I'm confused, here.

Busy Weekend

Meatloaf
(meatloaf mix-meat, 1 egg, worcestershire sauce, parmesan cheese, prosciutto, salt, pepper, oregano, thyme)
Gorgonzola Mashed Potatoes
(baby red potatoes, butter, cream, salt, gorgonzola, parsley)
Roasted Fennel
(fennel, olive oil, salt, pepper)
Roasted Asparagus
(asparagus, olive oil, salt, pepper)
Roasted Chicken
(chicken leg quarters, salt, pepper, sage, thyme, oregano, olive oil)
White Peach and Apricot Pie
(pie crust, white peaches, apricots, vanilla vodka, honey, cinnamon, butter, sugar)

All fresh herbs are from my tiny container garden on my deck. That makes me happy, too. Any or all recipes available upon request.

When I asked myself the question, "What can I do with a free Saturday afternoon that would make me the most happy?", the answer in my head was "Cook enough for 10 meals". Now, on Monday, with meatloaf and roasted fennel in my lunchbox, I feel the full effects of that happiness.

Tonight there's a town hall meeting with a Congressman whose district I no longer live in. I may go anyway. My father thinks it will be fun to go and see people yell at him.

I wonder if he'd write me back now that he no longer represents me.

My Favorite Example

Songwriters: Hamilton, Nancy; Lewis, Morgan

Somewhere there's music
How faint the tune
Somewhere there's heaven
How high the moon
There is no moon above
When love is far away too
Till it comes true
That you love me as I love you


Somewhere there's music
How near, how far
Somewhere there's heaven
It's where you are
The darkest night would shine
If you would come to me soon
Until you will, how still my heart
How high the moon


[Guitar Solo]

Somewhere there's music
How faint the tune
Somewhere there's heaven
How high the moon
The darkest night would shine
If you would come to me soon
Until you will, how still my heart
How high the moon

In Which Jazz Notes That You Never Write Anymore

You don't write. You don't call. Are we breaking up?

No. We're not. But it's summer time, and for reasons I can't adequately explain for you, my online activity always seems to take a bit of a downward turn, and my creative writing juices don't flow quite as quickly. It's not as if I'm just hibernating, though. So what's up with me in the summer?

Well, I've been doing some reading. I just finished Shop Class as Soulcraft by Matthew B. Crawford, which I highly recommend to anyone, particularly all of us who work in the "knowledge economy" rather than making or fixing actual things with our bare hands. We also dug up a few more of Rex Stout's Nero Wolfe mysteries which we'd previously missed, including The Rubber Band, The Red Box and Curtains for Three. Stout wrote a ton of them, but I fear we're finally getting to the end of the list.

I've also been out working on my yard and in the garden. My tomatoes have grown like trees, producing dozens of big toms, not one of which has turned red and ready to pick yet. The weather has been unusually wet, cloudy and cool this year and it's really slowed things down. I also went on a few really anal retentive jags about my lawn, mowing it too often, trimming the edges and digging dirt out of the cracks in the sidewalk so weeds won't grow there. Fascinating, I know.

When I do feel the need to be online, I've spent far more time than is good for me playing the best game in the world. I don't care what anybody says, a one time payment of ten bucks by Pay Pal is a small investment for the many, many hours of fun I've had with Fantastic Contraption.

I also had some dental work done which turned into an even bigger pain than I had first imagined, but I don't really want to talk about that right now.

Anyway, I suppose that sums up most of it. So... what have you been up to this summer?

Man, I'm Spoiled

I was seriously annoyed when I read the condition that Homestead rebates are only available to those who earned 75,000 dollars or less (if under 65) last year.

I am so spoiled. I don't get one of those because others need it more than I do. That doesn't mean I wouldn't take it, though.

I Need to Start Losing Weight Again

6400 calories worth of cake.

I'm impressed that something that looks so mediocre can be so incredibly fattening.

Whoa - They Got Caught?

I quote the insightful Traveling Wilburys, "In Jersey, anything's legal, as long as you don't get caught".

They got caught.

NEWARK (WABC) -- Two mayors were among the dozens arrested this morning in a major federal corruption sweep in New Jersey.

Eyewitness News has learned Hoboken's newly elected mayor, Peter Cammarano and Secaucus Mayor Dennis Elwell were both arrested, as was Jersey City Deputy Mayor Leona Baldini.

According to officials the dozens of suspects, including several rabbis, were being brought to FBI Headquarters in Downtown Newark.

Numerous Jersey City political officials were also arrested this morning.

My first reaction is, "Wow. I wonder how much they were getting away with." I also wonder what will happen as a result of these arrests. Will there be convictions? Will things change? Will things speed up in local government because of these arrests, or slow down? Will money get to places that it was being blocked from, or will it just get misdirected elsewhere?

I never know the answers to those questions, but I always suspect that the "misdirected elsewhere" scenario is the one that plays out. I'm cynical.

Nothing drives home to me the corruption in my lovely state so much as my daily trips to the mailbox. I get mail, my housemate gets mail, and the previous residents get mail - to all of their aliases. I'll never forget when I saw a letter from the Department of Community Affairs addressed to someone who doesn't live in my house. I thought calling them would be wise. They informed me that a home inspection was scheduled because of the tenant receiving section 8 assistance that lived at my address. Boy, was I surprised! I was even more surprised when the office handled the situation like absolute idiots. I was put on hold, and the office worker came back on the phone saying, "I've just contacted Ms. J****, and she says that she only moved out last month!". Wow. I mailed them a photocopy of the documents that show that I bought my house 6 months before that. No home inspection ensued. I find myself wondering if the previous owner of my house still gets that money from the state, even after all that. I wonder what was in the envelopes from the Social Security office that I sent back marked, "Return to Sender: Addressee not living at this address". I wonder how many people are ripping off the state every day.

And then I'm surprised that somebody got caught.

My second reaction to that story was, "Wow, I bet if my dad sees this, he'll be really upset about the rabbis part".