Monday, October 30, 2023

I Asked For It

 ...but now I don't want it, any more. 

Also, I asked for it while on pain killers. Drugs actually can make us stupid, the PSA commercials were right.

I hate being a secret. I don't deserve this. Do I? What if I deserve this?

Everything is still really hard. Thank goodness I have this void to shout into. 

Sunday, October 22, 2023

Catch Phrase

 I used to be part of a comedy group. One of the members wrote a sketch that contained the line "So kill me, and wear my toupee".

I can't trust anyone or myself. I don't even know my own truth  

So kill me, and wear my toupee, indeed. 

Monday, October 16, 2023

All the Feels I Have Are Anger

 War. Turns out it really is only good for absolutely nothing.

Extreme violence is horrible, no matter what brought it on. You know how Superman was always about catching the criminals and turning them over to the justice system? In the comics, General Zod wasn’t tearing a child out of her mother’s arms, then raping the child while forcing the mother to watch. Zod wasn’t ending the interaction by killing both of them, then taking the recording of the whole thing and posting it to the internet, proud of the “justice” that he had delivered to his opposing Kryptonian factions. So there’s that.

Learning about that video is something that made me angry, today. I have no proof, the story might not even be real, but it was believable to me, and so I’m angry. I’m angry that it seems possible. 

I’m also angry about people ignoring their responsibilities in order to do things that hurt my feelings. Knowing that the actions aren’t specifically aimed at hurting my feelings doesn’t help that, even though it should.

It’s like the only emotions that I can reach are frustration or anger. 

Sunday, October 1, 2023

Again, I Realize that I'm a Fool

 "All I want is you!"

The words were so shocking to hear that they stick with me. They were just a drunken declaration. I knew that they were never true; or at least, if they were, that the concept of actually having me was too terrifying to achieve. 

Still, they were said, and they were heard, and I latched on, like a drowning person desperately grabbing on to a broken raft that will never keep them afloat. 

You do want me, but you want me as an addendum, not the main text. When you say "we", I am not the partner to whom you refer. The worst part is that no one in the world wonders who you mean, everyone in your life knows whom your primary is. 

When we're together, everything feels fine. When we're not, reality is all I feel, and reality is much harsher than I'd like. 

I know I chose this, but sometimes it hurts anyway.

The only reason that I'm hurting is because I choose to be The Fool.