Tuesday, July 18, 2023

Complaints Into the Ether of Nothingness

Today I am sad. 

The person that I love used to love me back, but now it feels like it’s fading. It feels like he’s stolen the intimacy that I thought was mine, to give it to someone else. I do not feel as if they’ve earned it. And I miss him, but I don’t believe that he misses me.

Very few of my friends come to visit me, any more, because being chronically ill and bed-bound for 7 years is both boring and awkward to be around.

The possibility of getting an electric wheelchair has been raised again, but I need to come up with three hundred dollars cash by Friday, because the occupational therapist is out of network, and I haven’t met my out of network deductible. 

I started therapy, and the woman gave me immediate black and white advice in an incredibly grey situation. I hated that. 

My family is a Gordian knot of illness and mental issues. 

I’m sad. 

My stomach hurts very much, because I have IBS, and it reacts to my stress. I’m bed-bound, and can’t afford enough help to get me out of bed when I need to use the bathroom. You can’t limit that to a five-hour shift, on weekdays. Not being able to use a restroom at all is incredibly humiliating. 

I’m sad.

I’m writing all of this down here, because literally no one has read my posts from this year. I’m weeping in to the abyss. 

Sunday, July 9, 2023

Figuring It Out

 Just saw a message thread where I was talking about my feelings with a friend. How I wanted something, but understood why I couldn't have it. 

It was precisely two weeks later that I got it. 

But I got the Monkey's Paw version. 

I hope it doesn't go as badly as the original story did. 

It's odd. I want something that I could probably have pretty easily with another person, but the person that I've been chasing is the only one that I want to have it with. 

Soon enough all of my chances and opportunities with this person will be gone, and hopefully I can go back to not wanting anything, again. It was in no way fulfilling, but it was so much easier. 

I always say, "At least it's not boring".