Wednesday, January 31, 2024

Void Meets Girl

 Am I self-sabotaging if I don’t ask for help? What if I’m not asking because I don’t know anyone who can help with this? What if I’m not asking because I’ve already asked so many times that people are starting to avoid my eyes? 

I’m not in control of my body, any more. My brain isn’t able to make excuses for it. I’d say that I’d given up on the treatment, but 2 out of my 3 conditions literally have no cure. 

So I’m a filthy monster that can’t clean herself, and I cannot afford to pay enough help to keep me clean. My skin is irritated, and I physically can’t reach parts of my body that need lotion. I also can’t afford to buy enough good-quality lotion. 

I wonder why I bother living a life like this. I would never end it all, myself, I love too many people to hurt them like that. My question is, though, how am I still alive? How can I lose my ability to stand for any long amount of time, then to sit up without my feet raised, then to sit down from a standing position, then to walk, then to pivot, then to stand unaided at *all* - very little on me still works beyond my hands. 

Why do I have to live like this? Why didn’t I just expire?

…and wear my toupee. There’s one for the HCSR fans that aren’t reading this.