I Live in the Dark Places

Late night musing: I never have to realize that I look like my mom when she was this age. She never made it this far. 

Out of Options and Patience

Where do you go when your research has failed you?

When the care you need is literally not available, for any reasonable amount of money?

Pretty sure that I could get what I need if I was a billionaire. 

I am not a billionaire. 

Short but Sour

 The mixture of kind words and loving deeds combined with the avoidance of being physically present makes me want to throw up, sometimes. Knowing the reason for avoidance feels a lot like having untreated acid reflux  

I have a half-full heart, and a really sour stomach. 

Thought is Deed

Killing yourself is wrong, I get that. 

Murder is wrong. Taking someone’s life without prompt is wrong. I get that, too.

Planning murder, though, with no expectation of seeing it through? Still perfectly legal.

Not exactly sure who I’d plan to kill. My inner evil villain has several choices.

The whole concept of old-school Catholicism, where thinking about a sin was just as sinful as actually committing that sin, that never sat right with me. Thought is deed.

A Very Bad Poem

I gave you my very best toy, to protect, yes, but also to use and enjoy.

You triple wrapped it with bubble wrap to make sure it was never harmed, but then you left it on the shelf, checking every so often to make sure it was still there, and played with other toys instead. 

It’s not that my toy was any better than those, it’s just that it was my favorite, and I wanted to share it with you.

Now, wrapped safely on that shelf, neither one of us gets to enjoy it.

Complaints Into the Ether of Nothingness

Today I am sad. 

The person that I love used to love me back, but now it feels like it’s fading. It feels like he’s stolen the intimacy that I thought was mine, to give it to someone else. I do not feel as if they’ve earned it. And I miss him, but I don’t believe that he misses me.

Very few of my friends come to visit me, any more, because being chronically ill and bed-bound for 7 years is both boring and awkward to be around.

The possibility of getting an electric wheelchair has been raised again, but I need to come up with three hundred dollars cash by Friday, because the occupational therapist is out of network, and I haven’t met my out of network deductible. 

I started therapy, and the woman gave me immediate black and white advice in an incredibly grey situation. I hated that. 

My family is a Gordian knot of illness and mental issues. 

I’m sad. 

My stomach hurts very much, because I have IBS, and it reacts to my stress. I’m bed-bound, and can’t afford enough help to get me out of bed when I need to use the bathroom. You can’t limit that to a five-hour shift, on weekdays. Not being able to use a restroom at all is incredibly humiliating. 

I’m sad.

I’m writing all of this down here, because literally no one has read my posts from this year. I’m weeping in to the abyss. 

Figuring It Out

 Just saw a message thread where I was talking about my feelings with a friend. How I wanted something, but understood why I couldn't have it. 

It was precisely two weeks later that I got it. 

But I got the Monkey's Paw version. 

I hope it doesn't go as badly as the original story did. 

It's odd. I want something that I could probably have pretty easily with another person, but the person that I've been chasing is the only one that I want to have it with. 

Soon enough all of my chances and opportunities with this person will be gone, and hopefully I can go back to not wanting anything, again. It was in no way fulfilling, but it was so much easier. 

I always say, "At least it's not boring".

Invisible?

 Will you realize, at some point, that I’m not there?

I feel like you’re not going to realize it for a while.

You said that you were lying to everyone, even yourself.

At that moment, I didn’t fully believe you. Now, I believe you.

The door is locked, and I need someone to open it from the other side so that I can move forwards. I feel like no one’s opening it for me because I have somehow become invisible. 

Wouldn't It Be Loverly?

 All I wanted, my deepest desire, was to be able to spend time with you, face-to-face, without anyone being lied to. I  didn't want to ever be a secret, again. I didn't know what would happen if we did that, but I saw that we finally had a chance to try it out. I was sad at how we got there, but happy about where we were finally standing  

But then you made it weird. 

Now I'm sitting in weird. 

The Universe Has Other Plans

 Jane thought, "It's as bad as I can stand. I'll invite Bob over for one great last night, and then I'll take a bottle of painkillers and fade off to sleep forever, and I'll go out on a good note."

But Bob didn't give her one last great night. He didn't even give her a good night.  He gave her full truths, and hurt feelings, and confusion, and even more sadness. 

Jane thought, "Sh*t, that's not how I want to feel at the end of it all," so she ditched the pills idea, and stuck around. 

"I guess," she thought, "the universe has other plans."

Misread and Miss Understanding

Bob was there, Jane was happy.

Jane knew there was another, it was not a secret.

"She's upset that I'm here," he said.

"Sure," Jane thought, "I'm often upset when you're with her, but those were the terms we agreed to".

Jane shrugged, they moved on.

Weeks later, Jane found out that only two of them knew it was a triangle. That was more upsetting than previous levels had reached. There was a lot of talking. Jane said, "For these past few months, I've been operating under the assumtion that I was also your girlfriend". 

Bob replied, "Yes." 

Oh.

Jane thought about it for a while, realized why she'd been mistaken, and decided to ride it out. After all, she was the one who knew all the facts, she was the one actually being trusted.

Then it occured to Jane - if the other girlfriend was upset that Bob was visiting her, and she didn't know Jane was also dating him, then holy cow, she was just being a bitch.

Nine inch Knives

Someone else hurt me, today, so I'm sure that I still feel. No need to resort to hurting myself.

Gimme One Reason

 Tonight I find myself counting the number of people who would be unhappy, inconvenienced, or all out devastated if I wasn't here, any more. If I just wasn't.

Some nights it's all there is, and it has to be enough. It doesn't feel like enough, but it has to be. 

Pastime in No Company

Death comes for us all, eventually; no one here gets out alive.

Some, perhaps only the good, die young.

The rest of us must wait our turn.

If you’re broken, and tired, and you know that the best times of your life have come and gone, or if you no longer understand who you are, and why you’re here, you must wait your turn.

If you’re too afraid to take your own way out, or you know that leaving on your own terms would destroy those you love, you have to wait. Even if, ultimately, you cannot give up the hope that tomorrow will bring better things than today, when it never does, you still have to wait.

Death takes the ones we love, the taunts us by leaving us alive without them. 

Sometimes, Death is kind of a real dick. 

Nourishment

 A poem:

I recall the days, all of them, not just the early ones. 

What I remember is that you looked into my eyes like they were a banquet, and you were starving. 

One day you told me that you had to stop, you were spoiling your dinner. 

Now, a literal lifetime later, we're speaking again. You say out loud that you don't need me to get you anything, so why do I hear what I hear in your voice? 

You sound hungry. 

Oddly Pathetic, Old-Timey Version

 Lately, I’ve been living the second verse of “You Are My Sunshine”.

The other night dear as I lay sleeping, 

I dreamed I held you in my arms

When I awoke dear, I was mistaken,

So I bowed my head and I cried.

OK, I’m not crying, but I do feel pretty pathetic for having dreams about the past. Now’s an extra bad time for it. 

Maybe I should just write about Ukraine, like everyone else.  

 

 

Poop Sandwich

No one wants to say hard things.

Opening our country cautiously will be expensive.

People dance around it, and maybe they get real when talking about businesses not being able to reopen, but that’s not all of it.

I just read the CDC guideline that daycare centers should limit the sharing of art supplies. That would mean that they have fewer kids during arts & crafts sessions, or they need more supplies for the same number of children. It’s stupid how much that would throw off the budget of the average day care. You know who can easily afford that? No one.

Imports are down, or else they cost more money. This pandemic is going to permanently increase the price of things that we bring in to this country, especially items that we import from China. You know who can easily afford that? No one.

I was starting to whine about how I can’t get the Irish butter that I like, now, when I realized that I’m not worried about how I’m going to afford groceries. I’m privileged, and should shut up.

Now that the first wave of the virus is starting to ebb, people who aren’t soulless money monsters are going to think about the economic impact, because we will all be victims, at some level.

Our world reset, a little, and we don’t get to resume it, exactly as it was.

Nobody wants to think about hard things.

Bounty, Indeed

NYT story

After groups of governors on the East and West Coasts announced Monday that they planned to work together in regional groups to decide when and how to reopen business, Mr. Trump invoked the film “Mutiny on the Bounty” in a Twitter post, likening the governors to mutineers who took over a ship from a captain they believed was abusing his crew.

I’m just going to point out that in said movie, the captain was, in fact, a nut job who was abusing his crew.

Opinion

Congress needs to stop trying to shove everything in to one bill, hoping that there will be something in there popular enough to make it pass, and just start passing smaller bills that focus on some of the popular things that the country needs right goddamn now.

Reading that a bill to help small businesses failed because Democrats were trying to push for medical supplies and other funding in the same bill just feels so self-defeatist, to me. Yes, we need all those things, but half of something is ALWAYS better than all of nothing. Fight for everything, but take small wins if they’re what you can get, right now. Small business owners are people, and people are who we need to help.

Still Sad

The President has put a temporary travel ban from Europe to the U.S. in order to stem the spread of COVID 19.

wsj.com

It’s already here. I’m feeling like he really doesn’t understand this.

Have it Your Way

Fine, you’re a witch.
I believe that you’re a witch, and that we should hunt you.
Where’s Witchfinder Major Pulsifer?