Can't Stand Losing

I was ok with the idea of hooking up with random strangers.

 I was fine with sex for sex's sake. 

I'm not ok with forming whole romantic relationships with people that aren't me. Have friends, have sex, and still respect our relationship as something special. 

'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here, no one like me
I'm special (special)
So special (special)
I gotta have some of your attention, give it to me.

With this one, you share clothes, you have the same glasses. With another, you called yourself "her person".

She's not your person, nor are any of the others. Our connection stays alive no matter how much you batter it. I want you to stop attacking it as if you could ever make it die.

You can spend all the time in the world with other people, but of all the humans left on this earth, I'm the one who's "your person", now.

Is it Painless

 There's a song, the theme song to M*A*S*H, "Suicide is Painless". 

I've talked about this before, how I'm hanging on to everything just because of the people in my life that would be hurt if I killed myself. That, plus an *extreme* fear of pain keeps me alive. 

But I'm in physical pain, anyway. A lot. Almost all of the time. And I can't stand up, not alone, not with help. There's a piece of equipment, a sit-to-stand lift, it's called, that might get me upright, but I 1000% do not have the space for it, or the money to get one. 

And love hurts so much. I have a bottomless well of love and affection, but it's not enough for the other person. He needs more than just me. He believes that his brain is wired a certain way and that this is his normal, and it's ok. I believe that this is indicative of past trauma, and that it indicates that further therapy and healing are necessary  Maybe even being in a relationship with me is bad, because he can never give me all that I want.

I want security, and I'll never feel that as long as he's not ever here. As long as he doesn't want to be here. As long as he doesn't notice when I'm not around. I'm a creep, I'm a loser.

Problem number two: number two. I cannot get up for any reason. I cannot get up to use a toilet. Not fifteen minutes after my aide changed my diaper, my body decided that it was the perfect time to execute a powerful stomach cramp, and eject a large amount of foul-odored waste. It was Christmas. My aide was leaving. She understood what had just happened to me, and left for her family party, knowing that I was going to sit in that, feeling it and smelling it, for the next 16-20 hours. HOURS. Do you know who you can call to help you clean up that kind of problem on Christmas ? In America? NO ONE.

And today, as my much needed therapy appointment time neared, I got a cancellation phone call. All I wanted from today was to work on my meditation skills so that I could maybe feel calmer and less full of despair. Instead, I opened my calendar to enter my new appointment time and I noticed that the person that I love has scheduled a meeting with his other girlfriend's mother.

So, physically disgusting, not exclusively loved, physically alone, and too poor to pay all my bills. Stop the world, please, I want to get off. 

Equivalency

 "I know a way to make you understand how it feels for me."

"OK..."

"Trump said something."

"What? Ugh. What now? (Opens a tab in their browser to see the fresh hell for themselves)"

"No, there isn't any new statement; that's the feeling. The way you felt when I said those words, the anger that you feel when you see whatever idiocy he actually said, the low-level dread, the complete lack of understanding it all... that's the feeling. That's the feeling this gives me."

Same Joke, Different Day

 Still thinking about the toupeé joke. 

 Hate my life, hate my body, need to cheer the f### up because it's long-distance date night. 

I hate that I asked for scheduled time to talk face to face, in real time, and not recorded video messages, but when I failed to ask, I did not get any. 

Oh sure, I could call him, but a lot of the time he was too busy to answer, or he'd be out at some bar chatting up the locals. And he dates other people. I don't want to interrupt that with a ten-foot pole. I know that some poly people introduce everybody to everybody, and it's cool, but I've agreed to date a poly person, not be one. I hate the idea that he has romantic relationships with people who aren't me. Nope.

So we scheduled one night a week for a video call. Sometimes we watch stuff, sometimes we talk while he walks around a cool place and shows me stuff, and sometimes we just talk. 

I'd be happier if my stomach didn't hurt while simultaneously growling with hunger. 

A Joke No One Gets

 SO KILL ME AND WEAR MY TOUPÈE. 

You Don't Own Me

 I love my boyfriend. He wants to love multiple people. I still still really difficult for me to deal with.

He dated a woman in Texas. He told me that he did not fall in love with her. 

Mind you, if he told me that he had, it would have felt like someone disemboweling me with a hot poker, but I do want the truth. I don't want to be arguing a point only to discover that I'm standing on thin ice. I need solid ground. 

Anyway, she's just been so damn thirsty all over his Facebook page. She likes everything, comments constantly, she's just always visible. 

Yesterday I did something that I shouldn't have done - I engaged. She said something funny, I asked a jokey question back, and then I acted like a jealous idiot and marked my territory. She responded by posting a photo of him. I guess it was from a day that they were together? She commented that he's "our" mister so-and-so, as if she and I stand on equal footing in his heart. We do not. She spent two months with him. I have been involved with him for the majority of my adult life. And I can promise this: he "belongs" to neither of us.

I already had the photo she posted. He sent me all his selfies from that day. Because he does love me. I still got that going for me.

After I saw that photo and comment, I stopped the conversation there. I would have said something possessive, which would be very uncool as well as inappropriate. 

I know he thinks that she's very cool and interesting. I'm also pretty sure that she wants him to come live with him forever. I shall now endeavor to never engage with her again, as I am so jealous of her getting to spend time dating him at all. I cannot be nice, so I will be somewhere else. 

Generic Bland

 Today I can't even "can't even". I want people to come over and do stuff with me, but there's almost nothing that I can do, and most people aren't this charitable.