Not Average, But Hurts, Anyway

 I always knew that I would never by polyamorous. I knew that at a very early point, I’d wonder, if you love me, how can that not be enough. Real love isn’t always found, so many people die lonely. But I know that I love him, for real, and I kind of understand why I’m not “enough”, but it hurts. Why does he have to form love bonds with people when he doesn’t love them back?

Thats what I was braced for. Because he fell in love with me while he was in love with someone else, that’s what I’m expecting to happen. And I do fully believe that he loves me. He spent too much time trying to make me happy to not love me. 

He’s seeing someone else, now. I want him to leave her town and never go back, because of his own plans. I don’t want him to do it “for me”. I want what I want with no guilt. I want to speak her name into the universe, but I’m afraid how that will work. 

F-word, Other Swear Word, Third Swear Word for Emphasis

My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship. This is because he feels strongly about his need for polyamory, and despite my strong desire for monogamy. 

I can have him as he is, or not at all. I cannot have him miserable, even if he was willing to do that. I'm 99% sure that he'd lose me before committing to monogamy. 

I think that this might mean that I love him more than he loves me, but I'm going to put that out of my mind, immediately. 

Last night he kissed someone else, and is going on a date with her, tonight. My visceral desires are to break his nose with my fist for even wanting to kiss someone else, and to shave off all the hair on her head, including her eyebrows. 

I left him a video message saying that I hope the show that they're going to see is fantastic, and that they realize that they're not compatible at all and are awkwardly uncomfortable in each other's company. I told him that I was pretty sure that wasn't going to be the case, so hey, at least he's going to have a nice night. 

I am the worst kind of person for hoping that he feels horrible about doing the thing that he is expressly permitted to do. There is no danger of losing me over this. 

But it hurts. And I want him to love me enough that preventing my hurt is more important to him than kissing other people. 

That is probably not going to happen. And I was a real jerk for leaving him that message. 

Wake Me Up

 When September Ends. 

I recently posted about the fact that I find 80 or so percent of my life painful or unfulfilling. My inability to get out of bed for any reason continues to make me wonder why I'm still alive. 

Even the very good things are floating in a sea of sadness. 

 I wish I was a little bit worse of a person. Then at least I could get some of what I want through guilt. 

Can't Say it to Her Face

 Your phone isn't being weird, you're just so f-ing clumsy that you hit the wrong icons. ALL THE TIME.

I do not even know how you keep turning down the brightness on your laptop. 

Happy Anniversary

 Today is the with anniversary of the illness that ended my normal life. It was eight years ago to the day that my left leg swelled up so dramatically that I thought my foot would tear my shoe open.

A friend, today, coincidentally, posted that aging is hard, aging while disabled is harder, but both are preferable to the alternative. 

Except no they aren’t. I can’t do my job, I can’t participate in my hobbies, and I can’t go see my boyfriend, who says he loves me, but not enough to actually come see me. 

So yes. I cannot change many facts about myself, and I hate them so much that I would prefer to not be here. These feelings have come back around, and I don’t want them. I want to know how to make them go away and feel some sort of accomplishment, or real joy. Even the good stuff is floating on a much deeper sea of sadness. 

Make it all stop hurting so much. Physically and emotionally. Make something better than this. 

Gravy Sucking Pigs

 You weren't lying to me before, but now you have changed your behavior to suit the company. I guess it will make your trip more pleasant, but I F-ING HATE HER AND I HATE TO SEE YOU PANDERING TO HER IN GOD DAMN PUBLIC. 

You are really making me look bad in other people's eyes, and I HATEHATEHATE it. Please stop making the fire engulf my brain. 

Please?

I might resort to childish actions. 

Just an Update

 My injured leg is healing, but still isn't letting me use the lifting aid to raise it. I need to have enough strength in the leg to hold it still while I use my arm strength to pull it up. Any torque in the knee is painful enough to make me cry. 

So I try to stiffen my leg, and the bone in my calf - tibia, fibula, I don't know, maybe both - starts causing me pain. If I try to push through, my muscles literally give up, like my conscious mind has no say, there. If someone else lifts my leg with both calf and thigh support, it's fine, but that's not how people seem to want to work. Everyone looks at me like I'm insane when I mention the thigh. 

I don't know if I'll ever be small enough to stand, again. My left leg absolutely cannot handle weight bearing, and both my arms and my right leg are not strong enough to hold me up without its help. I tried counting calories to lose weight for a month. My forearm skin got loose and floppy, and I have turkey neck, now, but my thighs and hips are no smaller. 

I thought of buying a scale for the lift, but they're pricey. So I don't know what I weigh now, either. 

So I can't get up at all, now. My new OT goal is to return to sitting bedside, so that I may do a more effective job washing myself. Ideally, I'd like to see my boyfriend again, someday, and I'd like for us to get physical. I miss him. I miss human touch. I specifically miss touching *him*. Either way, I'd like to be really clean, but I wouldn't even consider physical intimacy if I wasn't. It's unthinkable to me. I thought about trying to date someone else. There are disabled woman fetishists out there, I'm sure I could find someone, somehow. We're open; if I dated someone else, I'd just have to tell him. He's not a jealous human. 

The thing is, I *am* a jealous human. The thought of dating a second person to break up the loneliness makes me angry at my boyfriend. I get angry that the thought of me with someone else doesn't bother him. I do not understand how no jealousy works. I'm his, why is he ok sharing me with any random person? I don't love that he's in another woman's bed right now, although it doesn't kill me the way that it did when I was a secret. I was right, and being acknowledged as primary by all involved parties does make the situation much more tolerable for me. 

This is the only kind of relationship that he wants, and he's the only person that I want to be in a relationship with. That's why I agreed to this. That doesn't mean that I'm OK with zero in person time.

That's where I'm at right now. I haven't seen him since February, and it's July. I know he loves me, and we usually have some kind of contact every day, but I miss him. My fingertips and my lips miss him. A lot.