Still Grateful for this Void

 Hoo boy. 

You wanted to know what being with a woman older than yourself? I wish you could have just waited until I got older. 

Every time I think about you touching someone else's skin, part of me doesn't want your fingers to touch mine, any more. 

I don't know why I don't feel like sex can be just sex. 

Wait, now I understand that I do feel like it can. 

I had relationships before I had this particular love. I have had sex just to have sex. It's fun. I understand that sometimes people have lots of reasons to have sex or not to have it. I don't judge people who live their lives, and their physical relationships do not involve me. 

Today, though, today I find myself in the questionable position of not knowing if I'm in a physical relationship or not. It feels like I am. Even if I'm not, I love. I feel love for one particular person, and I don't want to be with anyone else. 

He does, though. This is not new information. This is a me problem. 

I don't feel the way he does, and I don't understand how it feels to be in his head. Why is he curious about sex with other people if our sex is as good as he claims? Why doesn't he want to see me again, ever? Does he not want to see me again, ever? I swear that I believe that he loves me. 

I'm just always really afraid that he's suddenly going to stop. The inequality of our feelings about fidelity scares me to the core of my being. 

I want to think that I can hold on to my pragmatic stance and live with it. Literary characters live with it all the time. 

When you've agreed to an open relationship with a set of rules, how do you get over the feeling that your partner is out there, open to starting new relationships because your love alone isn't enough and it never will be?

Am I even right to want to get over that feeling?

I am a broken, misshapen human. Someone loves me. I'm so much luckier than so many. I need to appreciate the good. 

Right now, though, while he's off to spend time with someone who is not me, someone whose skin he has touched more recently than mine - how do I fight down the feeling of nausea? 

I guess I just fucking do.