The Final Chapter: In which we embrace a long overdue holiday

Fortunately for us, not to mention the long term health and prosperity of the universe as we know it, The One True Tami (blessed is Her name) has returned safe and sound from her weeks long excursion to discover why the Emperor Penguins of the Glasdovney Shelf in Antarctica have been catching less fish on their own and resorting to raiding the supply tents of scientists in the area. (Who could have guessed that they were simply tired of fish and had seen Anthony Bourdain deep frying Snickers Bars on the food channel?) In any event, this will conclude my tenure as full time guest poster on this blog, but if She foolishly leaves the keys in my pockets, I may still pop in to attempt to amuse you or enrage you from time to time.

While we are all busy giving thanks for Tami's return, I felt it appropriate that we should also take a moment to be thankful for the great places we live and give some thought to how we, as individuals, can improve things. As my dear old Gram used to say, between belts of straight Rye, "the best way to forget about your own problems is to solve somebody else's." And there's one big problem facing us here in America which I think many of you could pitch in and fix. This problem (and it's as obvious as the nose on your face) is that we simply don't have enough people. All of this vast expanse of land here in North America, and yet the average population density is such that I'm sure most of you can drive for hours on end and not see another living human being.

Obviously, a large percentage of you simply aren't doing your part by procreating fast enough. And as usual, the only way we're going to resolve the issue is with help from the government. For once, I think that it is high time the U.S.A. took a page from the book of the Russians.

A Russian region of Ulyanovsk has found a novel way to fight the nation's birth-rate crisis: It has declared Sept. 12 the Day of Conception and for the third year running is giving couples time off from work to procreate.

The hope is for a brood of babies exactly nine months later on Russia's national day. Couples who "give birth to a patriot" during the June 12 festivities win money, cars, refrigerators and other prizes.

There you have it. A paid day off from work to stay home and fornicate. And, should you happen to give birth on, let's say, the 4th of July, you win a new car, a cruise to the Bahamas, and a big screen television. And if you miss the target date by a little bit? No worries! You still get an extra tax deduction for the year.

So, write your congressional representatives today! Let them know that you're not going to start pumping out the rug rats until they pony up some cash and prizes. Until then, the baby factory is on strike and they can continue to stare at those vast expanses of empty land in New Jersey, wondering how they will ever put them to use.

It's been a fun visit, Tami devotees. See you in the funny papers.