Went away for a few days with new girlfriend. As far as I can tell, has only been back to their hotel since Thursday.
Last week they asked me to put notifications on their movements for when he went to or came out of the hotel. They were very drunk at the time. Today I see that they have deleted them.
I think that I might get dumped.
I hope to god that I'm being over dramatic.
Insert swear-word here. I really love that person.
I always knew that I would never by polyamorous. I knew that at a very early point, I’d wonder, if you love me, how can that not be enough. Real love isn’t always found, so many people die lonely. But I know that I love him, for real, and I kind of understand why I’m not “enough”, but it hurts. Why does he have to form love bonds with people when he doesn’t love them back?
Thats what I was braced for. Because he fell in love with me while he was in love with someone else, that’s what I’m expecting to happen. And I do fully believe that he loves me. He spent too much time trying to make me happy to not love me.
He’s seeing someone else, now. I want him to leave her town and never go back, because of his own plans. I don’t want him to do it “for me”. I want what I want with no guilt. I want to speak her name into the universe, but I’m afraid how that will work.
My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship. This is because he feels strongly about his need for polyamory, and despite my strong desire for monogamy.
I can have him as he is, or not at all. I cannot have him miserable, even if he was willing to do that. I'm 99% sure that he'd lose me before committing to monogamy.
I think that this might mean that I love him more than he loves me, but I'm going to put that out of my mind, immediately.
Last night he kissed someone else, and is going on a date with her, tonight. My visceral desires are to break his nose with my fist for even wanting to kiss someone else, and to shave off all the hair on her head, including her eyebrows.
I left him a video message saying that I hope the show that they're going to see is fantastic, and that they realize that they're not compatible at all and are awkwardly uncomfortable in each other's company. I told him that I was pretty sure that wasn't going to be the case, so hey, at least he's going to have a nice night.
I am the worst kind of person for hoping that he feels horrible about doing the thing that he is expressly permitted to do. There is no danger of losing me over this.
But it hurts. And I want him to love me enough that preventing my hurt is more important to him than kissing other people.
That is probably not going to happen. And I was a real jerk for leaving him that message.
When September Ends.
I recently posted about the fact that I find 80 or so percent of my life painful or unfulfilling. My inability to get out of bed for any reason continues to make me wonder why I'm still alive.
Even the very good things are floating in a sea of sadness.
I wish I was a little bit worse of a person. Then at least I could get some of what I want through guilt.
Your phone isn't being weird, you're just so f-ing clumsy that you hit the wrong icons. ALL THE TIME.
I do not even know how you keep turning down the brightness on your laptop.
I'm in too much pain to sleep. The painkillers didn't really work, today. I was just overly stoned and in pain. My aide had a second shadow aide an inch and a half behind her. They overlapped.
Anyway, now it's after midnight and I don't want to talk to any of the people who are also so messed up that they're still awake, so I find myself here.
Sometimes it's nice to have an abyss to shout into.
I snapped at you for doing something unhelpful.
You snapped back that you wouldn't just leave it like that, like an asshole.
Do you think that you've never been that asshole?
He sent me a video message. I listened to everything he had to say. I care about it all, because I care about *him*.
He went to end the message. I started to hope he'd say "I love you". Then he did.
Butterflies. At this age.
Today, I didn’t feel well, in the grossest of human ways. Unpleasant to be around, pulling pain faces, being generally human body stinky.
I had a date planned. Know what he did? Nothing I have is contagious, so he came to my house, and held my hand and got me water while I went through it. He distracted me with chatting about important and trivial things. He held my hand some more. He told me how pretty he thought my hair was. We watched a TV show, pausing it a lot to tell each other stuff. When he had to go, he kissed me gently and thanked *me* for really seeing him, and loving him for the whole person that he is.
I’ve been so up and so down about him for so long, that this feels insane. It does feel real, though.
I wanted so badly to put proof of my relationship on the Internet that I resorted to here. There are people out there who know this is my boyfriend, and there are people being kept in the dark on purpose, because it would hurt their feelings. I'm sick and tired of their feelings always being more important than mine.
I like this photo, even though it's a little awkward, because he leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. It wasn't discussed in advance, he just wanted to.
I just saw a headline calling the Gaza conflict, which is terrible from every angle, "Israel's War". I am incredibly angry at that writer. It's not any one entity's war, you can't have a war with a single side.
You *can*, though, have a country that is trying to work under very strained conditions with a group that wants to wipe them off the earth. You *can* have that country retaliate for being brutally and suddenly attacked en masse, at civilian sites, grabbing hostages, beheading people and parading corpses through the streets.
Does Israel make the right choices in all of this? I don't think so. But I don't think that they're the only ones who own it, either.
From the Al Jazeera article: “No child should ever be exposed to the level of violence seen on October 7 – or to the level of violence that we have witnessed since then.”
I agree. But please, please do not forget that on 10/7, the violence was *against* Israel, on Israeli ground.
I'm going to get personal. I am anti-war. I do not want anyone shooting at anyone else, for any reason. I am pro human. Yet an American posting "Support for Palestine" feels like a giant slap in my face.
There's not a nation called Palestine. It's an intellectual construct of a pre-biblical area that has modern country borders drawn throughout it. Israel may only be legitimized by some drawings that the British made after WWII, but it was an actual form of legitimacy of *some* kind on the international stage.
You know what a Palestinian born in Jordan is? A Jordanian. Anyone born in Libya is Libyan same idea for Yemen, Egypt, all of it.
I do not call myself a Jew Living in America, I call myself an American who is Jewish.
I do not wish for the IDF to wipe all Palestinians off the Earth. Jews don't have well-known chants calling for that. Are there some? I don't know them. There is a very well-known chant, "From the river to the sea", and the very meaning of it is promoting genocide of the Jewish people. Because they say that we're evil.
I'm not evil, I'm regular. I have some good points and some bad points, and I'm normal.
I believe that Hamas is starving their own people to death in order to convince the world that Israel is a genocidal evil entity.
If even one more person that I know shows a "support for Palestine" image, my head will explode.
The minute Hamas gained control of the Gaza Strip, the digging of offensive tunnels started, and bombs started flying in to southern Israel at random.
Maybe I've been tricked, but these are the first hand accounts from old friends. I won't mind losing a few new ones if I have to.
Still, all I really want is for people to give peace a chance.