Just an Update

 My injured leg is healing, but still isn't letting me use the lifting aid to raise it. I need to have enough strength in the leg to hold it still while I use my arm strength to pull it up. Any torque in the knee is painful enough to make me cry. 

So I try to stiffen my leg, and the bone in my calf - tibia, fibula, I don't know, maybe both - starts causing me pain. If I try to push through, my muscles literally give up, like my conscious mind has no say, there. If someone else lifts my leg with both calf and thigh support, it's fine, but that's not how people seem to want to work. Everyone looks at me like I'm insane when I mention the thigh. 

I don't know if I'll ever be small enough to stand, again. My left leg absolutely cannot handle weight bearing, and both my arms and my right leg are not strong enough to hold me up without its help. I tried counting calories to lose weight for a month. My forearm skin got loose and floppy, and I have turkey neck, now, but my thighs and hips are no smaller. 

I thought of buying a scale for the lift, but they're pricey. So I don't know what I weigh now, either. 

So I can't get up at all, now. My new OT goal is to return to sitting bedside, so that I may do a more effective job washing myself. Ideally, I'd like to see my boyfriend again, someday, and I'd like for us to get physical. I miss him. I miss human touch. I specifically miss touching *him*. Either way, I'd like to be really clean, but I wouldn't even consider physical intimacy if I wasn't. It's unthinkable to me. I thought about trying to date someone else. There are disabled woman fetishists out there, I'm sure I could find someone, somehow. We're open; if I dated someone else, I'd just have to tell him. He's not a jealous human. 

The thing is, I *am* a jealous human. The thought of dating a second person to break up the loneliness makes me angry at my boyfriend. I get angry that the thought of me with someone else doesn't bother him. I do not understand how no jealousy works. I'm his, why is he ok sharing me with any random person? I don't love that he's in another woman's bed right now, although it doesn't kill me the way that it did when I was a secret. I was right, and being acknowledged as primary by all involved parties does make the situation much more tolerable for me. 

This is the only kind of relationship that he wants, and he's the only person that I want to be in a relationship with. That's why I agreed to this. That doesn't mean that I'm OK with zero in person time.

That's where I'm at right now. I haven't seen him since February, and it's July. I know he loves me, and we usually have some kind of contact every day, but I miss him. My fingertips and my lips miss him. A lot.