Not Average, But Hurts, Anyway

 I always knew that I would never by polyamorous. I knew that at a very early point, I’d wonder, if you love me, how can that not be enough. Real love isn’t always found, so many people die lonely. But I know that I love him, for real, and I kind of understand why I’m not “enough”, but it hurts. Why does he have to form love bonds with people when he doesn’t love them back?

Thats what I was braced for. Because he fell in love with me while he was in love with someone else, that’s what I’m expecting to happen. And I do fully believe that he loves me. He spent too much time trying to make me happy to not love me. 

He’s seeing someone else, now. I want him to leave her town and never go back, because of his own plans. I don’t want him to do it “for me”. I want what I want with no guilt. I want to speak her name into the universe, but I’m afraid how that will work. 

F-word, Other Swear Word, Third Swear Word for Emphasis

My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship. This is because he feels strongly about his need for polyamory, and despite my strong desire for monogamy. 

I can have him as he is, or not at all. I cannot have him miserable, even if he was willing to do that. I'm 99% sure that he'd lose me before committing to monogamy. 

I think that this might mean that I love him more than he loves me, but I'm going to put that out of my mind, immediately. 

Last night he kissed someone else, and is going on a date with her, tonight. My visceral desires are to break his nose with my fist for even wanting to kiss someone else, and to shave off all the hair on her head, including her eyebrows. 

I left him a video message saying that I hope the show that they're going to see is fantastic, and that they realize that they're not compatible at all and are awkwardly uncomfortable in each other's company. I told him that I was pretty sure that wasn't going to be the case, so hey, at least he's going to have a nice night. 

I am the worst kind of person for hoping that he feels horrible about doing the thing that he is expressly permitted to do. There is no danger of losing me over this. 

But it hurts. And I want him to love me enough that preventing my hurt is more important to him than kissing other people. 

That is probably not going to happen. And I was a real jerk for leaving him that message.