Friday, November 20, 2009

Raaaaar! In which Jazz discovers he's a monster!

I just thought you should know. I've suspected it for a long time, but either the evidence wasn't strong enough or I just didn't want to face up to reality.

Oh, the clues were there if I'd really wanted to know... waking up in the middle of the night, standing in my kitchen with mud on my feet which clearly didn't come from my yard. Strange, rust colored stains under my fingernails with no memory of how they got there. Dogs sniffing around strange mounds in my yard which I couldn't bring myself to dig up. (And in my own defense, dogs bury things on their own all the time. I can't be bothered to dig up every random pile of dirt that turns up.)

Fortunately it must be very easy to cover your tracks as a monster, since I seem to do it entirely with my subconscious and no effort from my waking mind. And obviously there are lots of monsters out there... I mean, what are the odds that any of us are the ONLY one of ANYTHING in a world of roughly seven billion people? But the lack of modern day mobs running screaming through the streets with pitchforks and torches shows that we're doing a good job of remaining undetected.

As you may have guessed, one becomes rather curious about exactly what kind of monster they are under such circumstances. I mean, am I out there dragging young maidens away to dank, murky tunnels and eating them? Do I kill livestock and smear their entrails across the countryside? To find out, I set up my video camera outside my bedroom door on a tripod with a cheap motion detector from Radio Shack to trigger it. This led to my discovery of two things:

1. My cats run around a LOT in the middle of the night.
2. I'm the kind of monster that shuts off cameras and puts them back in the camera bag before heading out. Frustrating, I know.

So anyway, it's all still pretty much of a mystery. But if you happen to live anywhere in the New York region and are aware of a string of missing maidens or slaughtered cattle, try to get a picture and e-mail it to me so I can clear this up.

I'll try not to attack you if you do. Or, failing that, it will be a quick and merciful slaying.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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