Speaking of Monsters

I'm 41 years old, now. I cannot imagine what I've been doing all that time.

Raaaaar! In which Jazz discovers he's a monster!

I just thought you should know. I've suspected it for a long time, but either the evidence wasn't strong enough or I just didn't want to face up to reality.

Oh, the clues were there if I'd really wanted to know... waking up in the middle of the night, standing in my kitchen with mud on my feet which clearly didn't come from my yard. Strange, rust colored stains under my fingernails with no memory of how they got there. Dogs sniffing around strange mounds in my yard which I couldn't bring myself to dig up. (And in my own defense, dogs bury things on their own all the time. I can't be bothered to dig up every random pile of dirt that turns up.)

Fortunately it must be very easy to cover your tracks as a monster, since I seem to do it entirely with my subconscious and no effort from my waking mind. And obviously there are lots of monsters out there... I mean, what are the odds that any of us are the ONLY one of ANYTHING in a world of roughly seven billion people? But the lack of modern day mobs running screaming through the streets with pitchforks and torches shows that we're doing a good job of remaining undetected.

As you may have guessed, one becomes rather curious about exactly what kind of monster they are under such circumstances. I mean, am I out there dragging young maidens away to dank, murky tunnels and eating them? Do I kill livestock and smear their entrails across the countryside? To find out, I set up my video camera outside my bedroom door on a tripod with a cheap motion detector from Radio Shack to trigger it. This led to my discovery of two things:

1. My cats run around a LOT in the middle of the night.
2. I'm the kind of monster that shuts off cameras and puts them back in the camera bag before heading out. Frustrating, I know.

So anyway, it's all still pretty much of a mystery. But if you happen to live anywhere in the New York region and are aware of a string of missing maidens or slaughtered cattle, try to get a picture and e-mail it to me so I can clear this up.

I'll try not to attack you if you do. Or, failing that, it will be a quick and merciful slaying.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Preventative Care is Never Stupid

In case you were wondering how I felt about the new "guidelines" for breast cancer screening, I'll tell you right up front: I think that they suck, and that they're designed to save the insurance companies money, and of course, right now I'm pissed off at insurance companies as a whole. I hate that they even exist. As an impressively fierce friend of mine says, "Everyone needs health care; no one needs health insurance."

I found an article with quotes that echo my sentiments on the latest news at "wickedlocal.com".

“I just think that’s irresponsible,” said Janet Cheney, 58, of East Bridgewater, a breast cancer survivor diagnosed in 2001 at age 50.

“The death toll is too high,” Cheney said. “It’s kind of like saying let’s lower the drinking age and see how many more people we can kill.”

“As a practicing surgeon who takes care of these patients, the surgeons I’ve spoken to, (we) are very upset with this,” said Dr. David Drinkwater, chief of surgery at Signature Healthcare Brockton Hospital and president of Signature Medical Group.

The guidelines offer a “very narrowly focused” statistical view of breast cancer, stating the cancer rate in women between 40 and 50 is not high enough to justify the risks associated with mammograms and biopsies, Drinkwater said.

So there you go. It's true that the majority of women don't have breast cancer, but why in the world would you leave off a check on something like that for 2 years? And if you were - let's say that you're really concerned about radiation, and you don't want to have a mammogram every year, so you want to go the every 2 years route - not doing self-exams to make sure that you're lump-free in the meantime? Did I read that this government task force is recommending against self-exams because they can cause uncessary anxiety?

I call bullshit. Right there.

Not At All Important

And yet, one of the most thrilling new products of the year, for me.

Handerpants.

Handerpants

Are you really naked under those gloves? For Pete's sake, put on some Handerpants! These 95% cotton, 5% spandex, fingerless gloves have the look and feel of men's briefs. Slip them on underneath your gloves for extra warmth and protection from chafing! Wear them on their own as a vaguely inappropriate fashion statement! Hundreds of uses! Fits most adult hands.

My Hopes For the Future

I have one major hope regarding last night's election: that Chris Christie will be a better governor than Christie Whitman was. That's not too much to ask, is it?

I'm not expecting a Tom Kean, here.

November 3rd

For the record: I voted this morning. The candidates that I voted for may not win, but I used my voice.

Have you, fellow New Jerseyan?