Sunday, September 9, 2007

Meanwhile, in the Garden State

As with any devotee of The One True Tami (blessed be Her name) I find it useful to keep tabs on what's happening in Her home stomping grounds of New Jersey. While those of us who move away to other areas quickly grow used to a panoply of Jersey jokes, (Oh... you're from New Jersey? Which exit? HAR HAR HAR!) it's important to realize how important the Garden State is to this nation. New Jerseyans can be justifiably proud of their state's many contributions to our country and our society, proving that the final resting place of Walt Whitman represents far more than mere overflow parking for New York City.

New Jersey has given us many things from Bruce Springsteen to a national understanding of the concept of a cranberry bog. And now... front lawn showering.

VINELAND -- A man was arrested and charged with lewdness Thursday after two young girls and their mother witnessed him showering naked on his front lawn, police said.

Fred Michaux, 49, of West Oxford Street, admitted to showering on his front lawn with a garden hose telling police, "I'm sorry, but I need to take a bath."

Obviously this was an individual in need of a good bath, but the police officers in question simply don't seem to be grasping the bigger picture. This guy isn't some random loon flaunting public sensibilities regarding lewdness. He's an innovator! Isn't New Jersey supposed to be a hotbed of Going Green and eco-awareness? Stop and think about it for a moment... Mr. Michawx is out there taking a shower, yes... but he's watering his lawn at the same time! That's right. Fred has found one of those "why didn't I think of that" solutions which has instantly cut his usage of fresh water in half. Or are the righteous individuals complaining about this too busy driving around in their gas guzzling SUVs, sipping Red Bull and Tanqueray from non-recyclable containers to notice?

I have it on reliable authority from sources familiar with this story that Fred also uses his back yard for gardening. How appropriate for the Garden State! Mr. Michawx is cutting down his personal dependence on out of state produce shipped in by fossil fuel driven trucks. And, yet again, he is ahead of the pack. To fertilize his crops, on any given day or evening you are likely to see him out in the yard pooping in his garden. But let me guess... some of you will be offended by that as well, right?

I'm reminded of some words of wisdom given by Christie Todd Whitman back when I was working on her gubernatorial reelection campaign. "Jazz," she said. "Everybody poops."

Truer words have never been spoken. We use cow dung to fertilize our crops all over the country. That's cow poop! What? You think you're somehow less capable of productively pooping than a cow?

No... we should be applauding Fred and his revolutionary and eco-friendly ideas. A Renaissance man like this only comes around once in a generation, and I think he needs all of our support. We'll be selling "Free Fred" t-shirts on the site later this week, with a portion of all proceeds going to buy something nice for Tami while she considers what to do about Mr. Michawx. Please remember to give until it hurts.

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