Same Joke, Different Day

 Still thinking about the toupeé joke. 

 Hate my life, hate my body, need to cheer the f### up because it's long-distance date night. 

I hate that I asked for scheduled time to talk face to face, in real time, and not recorded video messages, but when I failed to ask, I did not get any. 

Oh sure, I could call him, but a lot of the time he was too busy to answer, or he'd be out at some bar chatting up the locals. And he dates other people. I don't want to interrupt that with a ten-foot pole. I know that some poly people introduce everybody to everybody, and it's cool, but I've agreed to date a poly person, not be one. I hate the idea that he has romantic relationships with people who aren't me. Nope.

So we scheduled one night a week for a video call. Sometimes we watch stuff, sometimes we talk while he walks around a cool place and shows me stuff, and sometimes we just talk. 

I'd be happier if my stomach didn't hurt while simultaneously growling with hunger. 

A Joke No One Gets

 SO KILL ME AND WEAR MY TOUPÈE. 

You Don't Own Me

 I love my boyfriend. He wants to love multiple people. I still still really difficult for me to deal with.

He dated a woman in Texas. He told me that he did not fall in love with her. 

Mind you, if he told me that he had, it would have felt like someone disemboweling me with a hot poker, but I do want the truth. I don't want to be arguing a point only to discover that I'm standing on thin ice. I need solid ground. 

Anyway, she's just been so damn thirsty all over his Facebook page. She likes everything, comments constantly, she's just always visible. 

Yesterday I did something that I shouldn't have done - I engaged. She said something funny, I asked a jokey question back, and then I acted like a jealous idiot and marked my territory. She responded by posting a photo of him. I guess it was from a day that they were together? She commented that he's "our" mister so-and-so, as if she and I stand on equal footing in his heart. We do not. She spent two months with him. I have been involved with him for the majority of my adult life. And I can promise this: he "belongs" to neither of us.

I already had the photo she posted. He sent me all his selfies from that day. Because he does love me. I still got that going for me.

After I saw that photo and comment, I stopped the conversation there. I would have said something possessive, which would be very uncool as well as inappropriate. 

I know he thinks that she's very cool and interesting. I'm also pretty sure that she wants him to come live with him forever. I shall now endeavor to never engage with her again, as I am so jealous of her getting to spend time dating him at all. I cannot be nice, so I will be somewhere else. 

Generic Bland

 Today I can't even "can't even". I want people to come over and do stuff with me, but there's almost nothing that I can do, and most people aren't this charitable. 

In Which I Am Overdramatic

 I didn’t get dumped. I got a dozen long-stemmed roses for my birthday, though, with a card that reads, “Happy birthday, my love”. That’s pretty heart-touching.

I think that I might just be too needy to share a boyfriend with others. Like, I want all of his romantic attention, and how can I have that, if he’s busy discovering new people?

And I still worry that one of them might have the same kind of chemistry with him that I do.

I know that neither he nor I are TV attractive, but we’ve got a crazy chemistry. Kissing him is like swimming through an underwater rainbow with sunbeams shining through it. 

I haven’t kissed him since February. I really miss it. 

So he’s still traveling, and he’s staying where he is at least through the end of the year, and he’s making tentative plans for the summer.

He sends me romantic messages, and we have video chats, and sometimes I get surprise presents which are incredibly sweet. 

I really want a kiss, though. 

Well, Things are Not Going to Plan

 Went away for a few days with new girlfriend. As far as I can tell, has only been back to their hotel since Thursday. 

Last week they asked me to put notifications on their movements for when he went to or came out of the hotel. They were very drunk at the time. Today I see that they have deleted them. 

I think that I might get dumped. 

I hope to god that I'm being over dramatic. 

Insert swear-word here. I really love that person. 

Not Average, But Hurts, Anyway

 I always knew that I would never by polyamorous. I knew that at a very early point, I’d wonder, if you love me, how can that not be enough. Real love isn’t always found, so many people die lonely. But I know that I love him, for real, and I kind of understand why I’m not “enough”, but it hurts. Why does he have to form love bonds with people when he doesn’t love them back?

Thats what I was braced for. Because he fell in love with me while he was in love with someone else, that’s what I’m expecting to happen. And I do fully believe that he loves me. He spent too much time trying to make me happy to not love me. 

He’s seeing someone else, now. I want him to leave her town and never go back, because of his own plans. I don’t want him to do it “for me”. I want what I want with no guilt. I want to speak her name into the universe, but I’m afraid how that will work.