Went away for a few days with new girlfriend. As far as I can tell, has only been back to their hotel since Thursday.
Last week they asked me to put notifications on their movements for when he went to or came out of the hotel. They were very drunk at the time. Today I see that they have deleted them.
I think that I might get dumped.
I hope to god that I'm being over dramatic.
Insert swear-word here. I really love that person.
I always knew that I would never by polyamorous. I knew that at a very early point, I’d wonder, if you love me, how can that not be enough. Real love isn’t always found, so many people die lonely. But I know that I love him, for real, and I kind of understand why I’m not “enough”, but it hurts. Why does he have to form love bonds with people when he doesn’t love them back?
Thats what I was braced for. Because he fell in love with me while he was in love with someone else, that’s what I’m expecting to happen. And I do fully believe that he loves me. He spent too much time trying to make me happy to not love me.
He’s seeing someone else, now. I want him to leave her town and never go back, because of his own plans. I don’t want him to do it “for me”. I want what I want with no guilt. I want to speak her name into the universe, but I’m afraid how that will work.
My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship. This is because he feels strongly about his need for polyamory, and despite my strong desire for monogamy.
I can have him as he is, or not at all. I cannot have him miserable, even if he was willing to do that. I'm 99% sure that he'd lose me before committing to monogamy.
I think that this might mean that I love him more than he loves me, but I'm going to put that out of my mind, immediately.
Last night he kissed someone else, and is going on a date with her, tonight. My visceral desires are to break his nose with my fist for even wanting to kiss someone else, and to shave off all the hair on her head, including her eyebrows.
I left him a video message saying that I hope the show that they're going to see is fantastic, and that they realize that they're not compatible at all and are awkwardly uncomfortable in each other's company. I told him that I was pretty sure that wasn't going to be the case, so hey, at least he's going to have a nice night.
I am the worst kind of person for hoping that he feels horrible about doing the thing that he is expressly permitted to do. There is no danger of losing me over this.
But it hurts. And I want him to love me enough that preventing my hurt is more important to him than kissing other people.
That is probably not going to happen. And I was a real jerk for leaving him that message.
When September Ends.
I recently posted about the fact that I find 80 or so percent of my life painful or unfulfilling. My inability to get out of bed for any reason continues to make me wonder why I'm still alive.
Even the very good things are floating in a sea of sadness.
I wish I was a little bit worse of a person. Then at least I could get some of what I want through guilt.
Your phone isn't being weird, you're just so f-ing clumsy that you hit the wrong icons. ALL THE TIME.
I do not even know how you keep turning down the brightness on your laptop.
I'm in too much pain to sleep. The painkillers didn't really work, today. I was just overly stoned and in pain. My aide had a second shadow aide an inch and a half behind her. They overlapped.
Anyway, now it's after midnight and I don't want to talk to any of the people who are also so messed up that they're still awake, so I find myself here.
Sometimes it's nice to have an abyss to shout into.
I snapped at you for doing something unhelpful.
You snapped back that you wouldn't just leave it like that, like an asshole.
Do you think that you've never been that asshole?
He sent me a video message. I listened to everything he had to say. I care about it all, because I care about *him*.
He went to end the message. I started to hope he'd say "I love you". Then he did.
Butterflies. At this age.